Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
