My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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