Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
