just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
