You're so nebulous sometimes
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him āBeast Modeā. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
