I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
