I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
