you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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