I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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