he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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