He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
