My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
