I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
