You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
this beer tastes like vomit already
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
