life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
