So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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