Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
