Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize