Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
