Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
