This is not my ceiling
His hands were made for my vagina.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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