So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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