new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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