He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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