I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
