How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
