So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
