I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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