dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
