So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
organizing the empties. That sober.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
