my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
