What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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