I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
