I am spending my child support on dildos
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
