please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
