I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize