I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
