so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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