Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
