There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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