What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
