I wish my penis had an off switch
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I intend to get homeless drunk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
