I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I currently don't understand fingers.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
