Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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