I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
