is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
