My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
