3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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