what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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