Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
