my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
