just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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