omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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