I just pynch a tree in the face
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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