This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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