party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
