never play flip cup with pint glasses
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That reminds me...we need to get swords
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
