Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize