My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
