Christians are straight up FREAKS
Will you blow on my dice?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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