Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
